Daily Withdrawals

I wonder how many days slip by without much notice. We go through the motions of our lives, sometimes blindly. Days are spent like currency, depleting our banks, but there's no saving for a rainy day. When we are out of days, time is up. So now, I hope to ask myself each day, if this were my last day, is this what I'd want to be doing?

Sadly, most days the answer is no. I need to fix this. Why is it so much harder than it sounds? I have not learned to be authentically happy, or to live in the moment, or to take advantage of every day of my life. I comprehend the ideas, but I am subject to inertia, and movement from this very solidified spot is not without great effort. I need a simple machine and some outside muscle for help. Crow bar anyone????

Sleep is elusive for me. I chase it. I wait for it. I want real and true rest so desperately, I feel drunk for the lack of it. Even when I do sleep, it is fitful and filled with strange and often terrible dreams from which I waken, screaming. Sometimes flailing my arms at some would be assailant. Sometimes my cat wakes me, biting my toes in fear because I've been kicking ferociously in his direction.

I don't know when it happened that restful sleep slipped away from my life. I don't know how long it has been since I have slept through the night, even fitfully, without some form of sleep aid. (Although even those often do not keep me asleep.)

I sit awake, in the middle of my queen size bed, with my laptop before me. I watch movies, tv shows, play solitaire, check Facebook, Gaiaonline (which I can blame my 13 year old for getting me started in) ExperienceProject, Stumble! or just news sites. I fall asleep at the word processor. Several rows or pages of "d's" depending upon how long I'd been in that position, always my head bobbing up, trying to shut down the computer, but too tired to see the keys straight.

Is this sleep pattern epidemic? Is it more common in mid-life? I cannot be the only Zombie out there. Does anyone know if normal sleep ever returns? I'd say more, but I'm gonna try to take a nap now.